2005 news updates

22nd october
oh man. more shit for you to buy with my face on and a new photo of me uploaded! if you don't give me your money then you're not a patriot and should be gang-raped.

6th september
you want news? eat shit and go and talk about me on the forum. in that order. i'm awesome and you should all say how great i am. satan and jesus are always bitching and fighting over who's going to possess me and use my body to peddle drugs to kids. or peddle kids for drugs. i forget which.

25th july
whatever. so i came out of hibernation early. big fucking deal. go and write a shitty poem about cutting yourself and name it after me. call it 'roger says self-preservation is for pussy-ticklers and scrotum-lickers'. better still, just go take a cheese grater to your wrists and spare everyone the emo-vomit verse. your parents don't care and i don't care so save everyone the hassle and just stop living. it's not that hard. if you don't try you're a coward and if you fail you're a loser and i'll text in to trl and all your loser friends will be watching and they'll all say how you truly are a hobo among losers.

23rd july
i'm trying to hibernating and you're all being a collective cocksucker. i can't even get any fucking sleep without sphincter-faces such as yourselves begging me to update my diary. fuck you. how can i update when i'm asleep? what do you think i am? some super-squirrel with opposable thumbs and a sack of a-grade columbian coffee? do you know how fucking hard it is to use a pen when you don't have thumbs? eat shit and burn, you dicks. summer is for old women, and winter kills them off so that's when i'll wake up. there. now go away.

26th october
i was slapping up my veins when some little girl comes skipping up to the bottom of my tree and is all like well hello there mr gopher and i was all like gopher? what the fuck are you talking about? so i pull out a cigarette and i’m like you think i look like some dipshit gopher? and she was like well you don’t have a big bushy tail and you’re fat. oh my god, there’s no fucking way i was gonna take that kind of abuse off some burbling judy blume excerpt so i was all like happy smiles and come closer little girl and hey what’s your name? and she was like my name’s danyelle, mr gopher, what’s yours? and i was like my name’s i’m-gonna-piss-on-your-face-you-fucking-bint. and then i pissed on her face. and some went in her mouth. and she cried. it was so funny. i took a photo and it’s framed on my wall. it makes me laugh every time i see it. kids these days, they’re so fucking naive.

22nd october
dodgeball is the best thing ever bar nothing else in the fucking universe. but only if you use bricks instead of balls and nail every other player to trees by their noses. daisy the walrus was not impressed with how i broke seven ribs on this one kid with just two bricks. i’m starting to think she’s a hippy or at the very least a communist because the other day she was drinking vodka. this would most definitely not be good for my street cred if she turned out to be. i may have to call up turd and ask him to bust out his re-education kit again. man, we haven’t had to use that thing for years. i miss the fifties.

9th october
yesterday i taught sally how to break a cat’s spine with origami and then we went around clotheslining people on crutches and then i rewarded him with food. we went to wendy’s and this little girl came up to us and asked sally when he’d be bringing his pet squirrel into class except she called him timmy so i gave her a thumb screw to play with. wendy’s sucks because there are always people there. i found a new computer today on some hippy student that happened to walk into my headbutt. tool. this new laptop is awesome because it’s got pinball in it. so i gave my old computer to dog the pig and he made a cartoon for me of him flying through a pregnant woman’s guts. sally said it’s shit so dog bit out one of his kidneys. no kidney for sally. watch dog's movie.

15th september
there was this song i liked on the radio so i went out to steal the record but when i got to the store it turns out it was by pink floyd. pink floyd? i’d steal something maybe like blue floyd... or tangerine floyd but there’s no fucking way i’d ever steal something by pink floyd. the song wasn’t that good for fuck’s sake. it was just some fat chick screaming in pain for five minutes. so anyway, i was totally hearing noises last night. i thought i was going crazy but turns out it was just some kid in my wardrobe that i caught in a bear trap a few months ago. i like totally forgot about him so he hasn’t eaten in a while. the fucking loser had been picking bits off the wall and eating them. stupid kid. i call him sally you know like a girl because he’s a pussy. his parents gave up looking for him a few days ago. it was on the news. i laughed when i told him and he cried. no parents for sally.

13th september
we were all playing monopoly last night. i went the dog just to piss dog off. oh yeah he came back the other day and acted like he hadn’t been missing for a month. whatever. so dog ended up having to go the shitty top hat that was made for pussies. and daisy went the battleship and we threw the rest of the pieces out so turd had to use one of my boogers. and this one time dog landed on park avenue with like seven of turd’s hotels on it and had to mortgage the electricity company but he didn’t want to so he shot turd in the kneecap and turd was all like oh my kneecap and i was laughing and turd asked me to call an ambulance but i said i wouldn’t call one unless he admitted he was a cockmonger and he was all like no way and i said well i’m not gonna call an ambulance and then dog blew out his other kneecap and turd was all like ow shit man my other kneecap oh jesus alright i’m a fucking cockmonger and i was all like haha you fag and he was all like you’re the fag - what about all those blowjobs you give to dog the pig and i was like dude whatever - that’s different. turd is such a cockmonger. i should beat off all over his pillow.

6th september
so we all stood on turd’s shoulders and put on a trench coat and hat and got into a casino. but then security got us and said if we didn’t work for them for a month they’d turn me into a cravat. i said a fur cravat have you got no taste you schlong-sucking bureaucrat and he slapped me like a bitch. me! like a bitch! so yeah i spent the last month in the casino kitchen spitting in and moulting on everything that came my way. they had dog the pig on the front door greeting people at first but he just walked out and i haven’t heard from him since. turd had to clean the toilets with his tongue because i said it was all his idea. what a stupid bitch. and there was this walrus in the casino fish tank and she was all like hey big boy you wanna piece of my love and i was all like you make me sick you fat fucker but we did it anyway. when the month was over i set fire to some old lady’s face you know to celebrate. we’re bringing daisy home with me because i miss domestic violence.

4th august
man, we were pulled over by a cop yesterday but dog just ran him over and he got caught in the harvester and we drove all the way to vegas with him stuck in the front screaming. what a fucking pussy. we had to burn the harvester just to get him to die and shut up. anyway, we made it to the city at last but they don't let animals into the casinos or strip clubs so we went to see charlie and the chocolate factory instead. it was shit. it wasn't about cocaine and hooker house in the hood. that's fucking false advertising man. i wanted to leave ten minutes into it and rape the manager with a hot dog bun but dog the pig was beating off to it so i just sat in the corner and smoked some heroin i found next to some dead hobo in some alley. it's cool though cause i was the one that made him dead. at the end of the film everyone started clapping and i was all like no don't fucking clap, you pansies and everyone stopped clapping. i love shaming people. on the way out dog fell over and i started laughing and called him a fag for getting off to willy wonka and he was all like you think that's fucking funny you cunt you won't be fucking laughing when i ram my dick up your ass and start pissing and then you have to pee out of your ass like a girl and i was like whatever. then we went and picked up turd from the hospital because they give him new ankles or something. so to cheer him up we gutted some old lady with a dildo we found in dog's suitcase and then blew up he appendix with a grenade and her top half flew up a good three meters and turd said she had gross appendicitis and i said shut up, fag and punched him in the throat. we had to go back to the hospital. what a fucking baby. the hospital is boring. all you can do is push cripples off their wheelchairs and spit on the people in the dialysis machines. we're gonna try for the casinos again tomorrow. dog says he can count cards but he can't even count so i don't believe him.

1st august
hot horse shit, we took a wrong turn and now we're in denver. man it's so fucking boring. if you live in denver you should hang yourself with your own tongue because you're boring for living there and don't deserve to live. if you don't live in denver here's a list of ten things to do in denver when you're not dead - 1. nothing, 2. die - that's it. you can't make it to ten because it's so fucking boring in denver. we played a game to relieve the boredom, it's called the if-you-see-someone-with-hair-in-denver-then-burn-it-off-with-an-aerosol-and-cigarette-lighter-flamethrower-combo game. that wasted a few hours but then it got boring because everything in denver's boring and was only good to watch if you torched some old guy with a comb-over because it'd look like one of those cartoon bomb fuses, or some old hag that used lots of hairspray because she'd go up like an oil field and scream until her face had melted and she was dead. it's her fucking fault for using that much hairspray. dumb bitch. after that we just went into a kid's playground and broke some ankles and i broke turd's by mistake but not really and then i pretended to be sorry but not really and it was funny because he cried with all the other babies. we keep meaning to ask for directions to vegas but everyone has hair in denver. stupid denver. if it had arms i'd pull them off.

28th july
so dog the pig pulls up at my tree this morning in a bloodied combine harvester and there were some canes and bottles of viagra mangled in the front and he said he had to get out of the state quick because there was a slight chance he may have stolen a combine harvester and took a detour through a retirement home wall, so he was going to ride to las vegas and did i wanna come along as an alibi to say the old women were already minced in case the fuzz catch us. i said we could turn this thing into a road trip if we went and got turd the turtle to come along with us too and dog called me a fag. i'm not a fag. he's a fag. we went round to turd's place and he said he wasn't gonna come but then we chloroformed him and dragged him along anyway. we're going to vegas and i'm gonna go pick a fight with one of the guys that dress up as taxi drivers in the new york casino and punch a mime in the face. dog says he's gonna find and rape the white tiger because jesus told him to start a new white tiger-pig hybrid super-race to cleanse the world but i don't think he will because i think the tiger's got a wang and when i told dog his eye twitched and he said he was gonna try anyway. but that gave me an idea because turd was still sleeping so we pulled over to a gas station and bought some vapo-rub and smeared a load of it in his eyes and he woke up and screamed and said it burned and that he was blind. i laughed so hard that my sides hurt and i shit a little. i hope no one notices.

25th july
hot crackers, i've gone insomniac. the fucking mailman woke me up from hibernation to get me to sign for all the fan mail i forgot i sent myself and now i can't get back to sleep. i had to take a hatchet to his skull but at least now i have a cool zip-line to get my from my tree hole to the ground quicker in the form of his small intestine. don't be fooled by that like i was. the small intestine is way bigger than my dick and that takes some doing. that's not vanity it's just fact. so anyway i was tangled up in this mailman's intestinal goodness when this bitch on her morning walk or something with a face like a dead hippo's rotting crotch sees me and screams and gets on the phone to animal control and that pissed me off like big style. bitch, i said, you better be fucking pulling my leg or i'm gonna have to dust off my chinese death stars and she was all like help help there's a mad squirrel simultaneously knee-deep and clad in a man's guts threatening me with chinese death stars and the dude on the end of the phone was all like yeah, whatever you fucking psycho and she broke down and cried when he hung up on her. man, i was happier than a bottle-goggled geek in a wet dream. i went totally blair witch on her ass. she's still out lost in the forest. i better go check up on her. i'm thinking of creeping up behind her and sawing off her left leg and letting loose some hungry rats. i knew i'd find a practical use for trapping and starving them. not sleeping is sweet. i can't believe i was ever such a pansy to think i actually needed it.

9th june
i woke up at half three this morning because i’d pissed the bed with excitement. i had a premonition dream that today would fucking rock. and it fucking did. first off i got a letter from my mom at the mental institution. she always makes me laugh cause she’s got brain syphilis or something inherent like that. right now she’s convinced that she’s a small constellation left of orion’s belt. oh man, she used to make the best cookies. real jaw breakers, not the sissy had-ass shit those brownie bitches sell. my mom didn’t just bake cookies, she fucking forged them. but then she went nuts. people always laugh when i say that because it’s ironic or something. they stop when i ram a shitload of chainsaws down their throats though. disrespectful cunts. i went into town today and bought a record today but when i got outside i realised i didn’t have a record player at home so i got a pissed and went looking for the nearest homeless person. i found this old dude with a beard next to a stash of vodka and horse porn and i figured he wouldn’t be missed by anyone i gave a damn about so i ripped open his ribcage and used his lungs as turntables and his dick as a stylus. the sound quality was solid enough but he must have been a smoker because it got really scratchy in places. i pillaged his mangled corpse and sure enough i found some cigarettes. i’m always right. i took his horse porn too. best day ever.

8th june
dog the pig said he wasn’t gonna show up for community service today either and the warden said he was gonna wheep that peeg a noo ass when he saw im and then dog show up and the warden ran at him and dog just drop-kicked him in the face and his head exploded everywhere and i was like fuck dog, do you know how hard it is to get blood out of squirrel fur? and he just told me to go fuck myself and trotted off and i went after him because now i don’t have to do community service anymore and i had nothing else planned for the day. we went back to his place and he showed me his lino collection and photographs of people he’d piked then we went out and kicked some ass. we made some hippies o.d. by swapping their non-dairy coffee whitener with crack cocaine. it was so funny watching them twitch. then i told dog i could unscrew a babies head and he said i couldn’t so we made a bet and i lost because i ended up having to break its neck with my feet and then using scissors to cut it off and i had to give dog six dollars but i didn’t have six dollars so i had to give him a blowjob instead. i didn’t mind. i was just happy there was one less baby making noise and poop. then we hit the clubs and dog took me to this old ladies club and i was like what the fuck is wrong with you you sick fuck, these are old women and i fucking hate old women but it was ok cause they were playing death metal and all the old ladies were moshing and i thought that was pretty fucking solid shit even though they all had dried up pussies. but old ladies are actually cool to rock out with once you get a few brandies down their necks. and if they get too excited one swift headbutt and they’re off to comaville. i don’t know what i’m gonna do tomorrow cause it would have been my last day of community service but the warden is missing a head now. i think i’ll sleep in till 9. awesome.

7th june
no way. community service fucking sucks my haemorrhoids. it’s like prison except more hardcore because they couldn’t handle my ass in jail. dog the pig, the guy i met outside court, didn’t show up. the warden’s a total ass because he said he’s gonna brang a wurld o payn onna that hawg’s ass, and he clubs us if we don’t pick up used heroin needles. we started off and i was all like no way! i fucking put half this shit here and he was like yawl peck uppa these here veinprickerz an yawl darn injoy eet, and i was all like fuck you but he gave me a smack in the face. man, he said darn! that pissed me off the most. anybody who says darn should be skinned alive and thrown into a salt mine with a colon full of unpinned grenages. i think when my community service is over i’m gonna cum in a sock and gag him with it and then take a shit on his baby’s face if he’s got one and if he doesn’t i’m gonna gnaw on his balls for an hour. i was so pissed off by the end of the day that i went into an all-girls kindergarten and totally ruined their shit by stomping and kicking in a random misogynistic godzilla rage. little girls are old women waiting to happen. i was just nipping the bud and saving the world a lot of hassle by killing them all. by the time the last little brat took her dying breath through a broken jaw i was still pissed off but i didn’t know what to do so i just brushed the pieces of brain off of a spare blankie and went asleep in the bloody nap corner and woke up in a good mood. today wasn’t so bad after all i guess.

6th june
i was at court today and it was sweet because the judge only gave me three days community service. it was funny too because the prosecution kept showing tapes of me trying to set the hospital on fire. they had me from like five different angles. i was so screwed. in one shot i even saw this old guy inside the hospital calling the cops so i remembered his face. i’m gonna go visit him sometime so i can ram a corkscrew down his impotent-ass dick. anyway, the bad news is that my community service starts tomorrow which is crap because me an turd were gonna go smoke some crack in the front row of a chick flick and spit vodka in some old lady’s eyes when she tells us drugs are bad. i’ve also been ordered to see a shrink about anger issues or something. i remember the last time i had a shrink and i tried to tell the judge that that shit doesn’t work for me. my last therapist was a hypocrite because she was always telling my to let go of my negative emotions but then when i kidnapped her kids and drove them off a cliff it was a different story. she was all like wah wah wah, my poor kids are dead, you’re a sick bastard beyond help and i was all like ding ding ding, give the lady a cigar, it’s about fucking time your shitrag BA ass finally understood what i’ve been telling you for weeks. anyway, i met someone cooler than me outside the courtroom because he went on a shooting spree in central park and the police arrested him and he said what about the right to bear arms but the police arrested him anyway, they said pigs don’t count. yeah, his name’s dog the pig and he’s gonna be doing community service with me tomorrow. we went to taco bell to get a drink and this kid in the queue had the hiccups and he was pissing everyone off so after about three more hiccups i tasered him in the throat and he just collapsed and everyone in the queue started clapping me, even his mom. it was so cool and reminded me of how my dad used to deal with hiccups. if any of his kids hiccupped he would give them a punch in the face and if we hiccupped again we’d get two punches, three for three and so on. one time i just wouldn’t stop hiccupping and my dad was beating on me so much that i went into a coma for a week and when i woke up i was still owed some punches so he started hitting me again and sent me into the coma for another month. when i woke up he called me a sissy and said he’d disown me if i ever went into another coma during a beating. i sure as hell never hiccupped again. he was a real disciplinarian. a real hard-ass squirrel. this one time back in our first tree in england before we moved to the states he threw one of my baby sisters to the badgers and made the rest of us watch her get mauled to death just to show us who was boss. these kids today have no respect. like just then i was asleep and then these motherfucking kids start throwing fireworks at my tree and shouting at me for kicking one of their kittens into a blender. fuck, i don’t even remember doing that shit but it sounds like something i’d do cause it’s funny. anyway, i got my sniper rifle and picked one of the kids off dead center in his skull. then the other pussies screamed and ran away. i managed to get one of them in the leg and left her to the rats. it’s a fucking crazy-ass world. that kid’s still fucking screaming. i think i’ll just go and bludgeon her to death with my testicles. that’ll shut the whiney bitch up.

3rd june
oh man i got a court summons today because of that attempted arson a few weeks back. i wouldn’t mind but i didn’t even set the hospital on fire so it’s not like i actually did anything wrong. i was so angry when i got the letter that i had to put my foot through the mailman’s throat. but it’s ok because he was in the union and they all deserve to die anyway. he rolled about on the floor for a while but then stopped moving so i guess he must’ve been ok. later on i had to deal with this old guy who told me to stop shitting on his lawn. i’ve been doing it for three years, diarrhoeaface, what makes him think i’m gonna stop now? i threw him in a trashcan and rolled him down the street. the doctor said he had a heart attack before the steamroller crushed him so i was a little disappointed but it was still radical watching him being crushed, alive or not. i made my own game up as well today. it’s called skin the puppies. i had to see how many puppies i could skin in an hour and then try to beat that score. i only got 8 in the first hour because it was kind of awkward but i got the hang of it and in the next hour i managed to do 16 and then i got 32 in the next round but i had to stop then because i’d ran out of puppies. i figured it out that if i’d carried on skinning at the rate i was for a whole day then i’d have skinned 134,217,720 puppies! maths is fucking cool! but then this wise ass came up to my tree asking about his missing puppy so i threw some skinned puppies at him and he ran away. one of them got him right in the face. it was totally gross. i’m not bothered about court because they don’t send squirrels to prison in america. they only do crazy shit like that in yemen and that’s why you never see squirrels in yemen. the worst i’ll get is a week’s community service. man, i love justice.

2nd june
i was at taco bell. what a fucking dump. this old bitch was behind the counter and kept screwing up my order. i asked for a fucking taco, grandma, how hard can it be? is your fucking hearing aid on? anyway, i shouted at her for about half an hour telling her how useless and old and ugly she was and how all old people should be turned into cereal or something and that made her cry but that just got me pissed so i ended up garrotting her with her own saggy tits. then this other old lady said i was lowbrow when she saw me laughing at the knee-length boobies around the other old woman’s neck. i said bitch, shut the fuck up, i’m a squirrel; i don’t have eyebrows, you wrinkle-pussied cumgobbler, and kicked her in the shins. but they were prosthetic so i had to set them on fire instead. i’ve only ever set seven old ladies on fire before her but she was the most satisfying one so far. i hate old women more than i hate hippies. unless they’re dead hippies. dead hippies are the best kind of hippy. they don’t talk. my pal turd the turtle also came to see me today. it’s funny watching him try to climb my tree ever since i greased it and put a pile of my shit and old razorblades round the bottom. he thinks he’s so goth but he’s not. he just does it to be like all the other turtles. he’s still pretty cool though. we spent that say baiting kids into the forest and getting them lost and then paintballing them during the night and making scary noises and shaking bushes and planting crack rocks on them and stuff. we must’ve got, like, seven kids altogether. i even managed to split this brother and sister up and make the younger one cry and turd said i was cruel but i know he really meant i was cool. i was voted most likely to be convicted by my class at squirelvalley high, and convicts are cool so i must be cool. i am cool.

1st june
i ran into that hippy again today. i couldn’t believe he wasn’t hospitalized and in crippling agony. he must have had a transplant or something. understandably, this made me pretty pissed so i gave him a spinning-rib-kick and he flew about ten yards just like when you back your pickup into an old lady. i threw him in the trunk and took him home and made him smoke a spliff i rolled for occasions like this made from a rent boy’s shitty ass-pubes and i laughed like a bitch when he started coughing and choking. then i cock slapped him for a few hours until i got bored. then i got hungry so i made omelettes with yesterday’s eggs but i didn’t let him have any because i was feeling really hungry at the time. after omelettes i was pretty fucking tired so i chloroformed him and threw him out on the freeway. i’m gonna go to bed after whacking off to animal planet. it’s free fucking porn for squirrels, man.

31st may
last night i dreamt about sniping kittens. it was awesome because i when i got them in the head (which was all the time cause i’m better than jesus at sniping) they’d explode and take out about six other kittens around them with the collateral. i woke up with a boner cause it was so fucking awesome. i went to the shops today because i’ve been low on shotgun ammo since i visited the orphanage last week. man, wal-mart fucking sucks. they said it’s not in their policy to sell live ammunition to squirrels. luckily i had my colt with me so i pistol-whipped the bitch at the counter and pumps a few rounds in the manager’s spleen and he was all like ‘no way, i fucking need that to live you stupid bitch’ and i was all that ‘yeah, that’s the point, moron.’ then i took some eggs without paying and went home. when i got home i saw they were free-range so i got even more pissed and threw a rock at a bird. then i got high and went to bed. it’s not my fault i’m a crack addict, that shit’s genetic.